My HD training starts next week. This blog will likely turn into a brain dump of ponderings, healing meanderings and baggage unpacks. Proceed with caution.
I’m still in the thick of it. My waves are mostly consistent. But the lows hurt more these days. Aside from my love, I feel wholly alone and unsupported. The net feels totally breakable.
I know this is the ugliness and pain of growth, but I just want to lay my head in the lap of a best friend and son uncontrollably until there’s nothing left, and that is no longer available to me, here.
“We’re no longer friends, I want all my toys back” is my pain response. It’s learned. It comes from my father (My mother just falls silent). I know this (now) because my father just pulled the same unhealed bullshit on me. It’s an emotionally immature way of saying, “you’ve hurt me so much! I’m taking all my things back to hurt you and let you know I’m not letting you hurt me again!” It’s unhealed, unhealthy and well, trash.
Human Design is such an incredible road map and tool of self discovery.
Also – fuck you for not making your lap available for comfort….I still want my toys back.