I’ve been a seeker for as long as I can remember living in this body, sometimes, willingly, sometimes uncomfortably. The Human Design experiment has finally given me the freedom to seek.
The first time I remember learning about Human Design was going to IIN in 2009 and I didn’t do anything with it. I didn’t think anything of it. It didn’t resonate with me at the time, for whatever reason. But during the covid lock down it did. A year of experimenting later, my interest is not my little obsession and it’s only a matter of time before I choose some level of certification. Yes, another degree/certification.
No, I am not trying to prove anything to anyone, or validate my own existence. I’ve been sitting with this decision for long enough to know it’s being made in neither in my head nor at the crest of my emotional wave. I’ve received so much unsolicited advice related to my many degrees and certifications, minimizing my quest for knowledge, usually the result of which takes the form of a new license or certification. Ultimately, people who don’t have this need to learn attribute it to lack of self confidence or need for validation.
Ouch. My immediate reaction…. Fuck off with all that!
The me who is doing her best to live the experiment knows seeking is literally in my design and when I act within my strategy and authority, I am making right choices. I am a 1/3 Investigative Martyr, I am destined to lead a life of discovery. To learn, test, fail and try again, something new. I am a seeker of self-discovery and I have a deep fear being “unaware.” I embody insatiable curiosity. I am hard wired to to dig in, to learn and to be completely immersed in my curiosities, as long as they bring me joy. When I don’t take the time to dive deep, it’s unnerving- like I am building the foundation on quicksand.
I spent a lot of my life feeling shamed for wanting to be, do and learn MORE. Human Design is allowing me to release that guilt, but the echos of criticism has a lasting impact. Here I am blogging about it, so clearly I haven’t fully released the guilt and shame, but I’m not doubting my design and choice to continuously seek.
Walking a Sacred Path
The spiritual expression of the (planetary) transits over the past few months in my bodygraph are screaming to nourish the sacred in my life. It’s demanding me to move forward and weave the tapestry of my mastery. It’s requiring me to alchemize my history, my healing and my failures. Transmuting what I have been consciously and unconsciously, trying to cultivate for decades. It’s telling me to root, heal and create. A red tent, a sacred circle, a ripping of empowerment. A way of life connected to the web of community and environment with a direct line to the divine. A small nagging need has always been there, it began to shift again when I moved to the Collar City and now I can no longer ignore it. The calling is there. This is the first place I’ve wanted to learn to grow roots, so I could settle in and commit to the work. I don’t have a master plan, this is outside of my brain and hidden in deep embodiment. I just know the connection is here. I am tethered here. This is where it happens. This is the commitment to birthing something new and stepping into the final book of my trilogy.
This has been a silent journey. I haven’t opened fully to any of my friends around this calling. I’ve tried, but it’s always come off as some pushy way to organize some weekend with a circle of women. Planned, forced, and while not met with resistance, and certainly outside of surrender. I felt the magnet pull and have been altering course since April 2020. Covid forced everyone unwillingly to pause and slow down. But I began working myself to the bone trying to ignore the pull. It’s scary. My love for my partner, our love, ultimately was the catalyst of surrender. I remember the exact moment I felt our love so powerfully. It was something I had never experienced. It felt like what I imagine kundalini rising must feel like. I am not a tantric practitioner – maybe one day – but I felt such complete bliss I thought if I died in this moment, it would be ok because I now know love.
Since experiencing that, my calling has gotten louder as I’ve gotten quieter. I stopped talking and demanding space and attention. I closed my mouth, and only spoke when invited to. This is learning to operate within my human design, de-conditioning and healing. I’m introspective. I’m trying to heal and ensure I am on the correct path. It’s really hard to integrate this with coming back out of Covid. Chasing the music and the high aren’t as exciting for me any more. It all falls flat, I don’t want the fog, I want the ascension. But that’s something I failed to explicitly share with those closest to me, and more importantly, the one I called chosen sisters. I realize my mother wound prevented me from truly opening up and share my true self. I was terrified I wouldn’t be held and nurtured, that I would be judged, laughed at, belted or cast aside. It has been so much more comfortable for me to be the one who holds space for others to evolve.
When I finally started getting truly excited about shifts I was feeling and when I started seeing light through the trees in the forest, the growing pains of my own evolution as well as the growing pains of my relationship started to ease. Then I started talking, babble incessantly about Human Design. It probably looked like a new found cat brain fascination, but for me, it was a long time coming, and so much more. The bottle was uncorked.
Sadly, what I was healing through internally, the quiet of living my design externally presented itself as withdrawn from my community of losing myself to my relationship. Someone I held so dearly accused me of keeping secrets about my partner and of lying to myself – about my happiness, about my relationship and about what I want life and relationship. For that, I was sent love from a distance but ultimately removed from her life. I was severed from the circle without remorse or regret.
I can’t begin to explain how much that hurt. It felt as if my breath was violently ripped from my lungs. My inner child raged. My adult conditioning raged. I didn’t and still don’t know how to deal with it. I am mad at her for calling me a liar and mad that no one refuted it. I feel rejected and betrayed. My chosen sister closed the chapter of our life in this book, so to protect from further pain, I defensively cut everyone else in the book off.
Part of me wants to back track and take it all back but little Terra, is still wailing, screaming “why wouldn’t you fight for me? why would just just let me go?” Unhealed Terra is standing there with an I-told-you-so look on her face… the women in your life always hurt you in the end- but the me, in the midst of both pain and healing knows that isn’t true. Lastly, there is the deep knowing within myself and virtually confirmed within my design, that it will all be ok – I am meant for solitude. I am meant to go it alone. This is what I do, I build community I empower and I move on. It’s the superpower within my holographic design. It’s written in my soul’s contract.
Even if I were to take it all back, the outcome remains the same: sisterhood is forever changed and the patterning of my mother wound continues. I was hurt and my masculine dominance pushed forcefully. Now is the time to continue to heal the wound, to deeply embody the feminine, give myself permission to fully express my emotions. This is not something I have been accustomed to doing. I was taught to swallow my emotions my entire life. I’ve tried so hard to express my pain, but it comes out defensive and words fall as an attack, even though that was never my intent. Then when corrected, I feel shame for sharing what I was feeling, then regret for sharing my pain.
It’s a vicious cycle deeply rooted in the mother wound.
Ultimately, I have restrictions around feeling held and supported by women. It doesn’t matter how many friends or connections I have created, I still have a deeply rooted fear in truly sharing my whole self. I failed to share anything significant about what has been shifting within me. This isn’t bar conversation. I don’t have deep conversations and connections at shows, and when in gatherings of close friends, I often fall silent, waiting for the invitation to contribute, which rarely comes. So I haven’t shared any aspects of my healing journey, the evolution of my path, my current experience with anyone I have referred to as my chosen family. The vulnerability is too much. My heart barely learned vulnerability in the risk of falling in love with my partner (I have no regrets and would risk it for him again and again). Vulnerability is a practice and it’s new. I haven’t been strong enough to be truly vulnerable with my chosen sisters.
Even though I have been in the process of healing my mother wound for the past two years, it’s not yet enough. It’s the She Soverign I could not bare to make it through with Courtney, ancestral healing in the Honeyed Womb, joining, running from and then rejoining The Heart Space with Leila. This isn’t one work hop, one therapy session, one retreat, one soul retrieval, one akashic reading, peppered with some plant medicine one and done, It’s life long. I am finally making progress, but the pattern is still repeating and I am committed to healing and moving forward, even if it is into some other yet to be defined sisterhood.
Mastering HD is key to this, it’s part of stepping into and embodying my structural integrity. This isn’t a project goal, this my long game investment beginning to crystalize. The layers of my holographic design make so much sense (thanks to a reading with Kim Gould). The patterns, the wounds, the healing. It’s not simply the defined centers and the activated gates in my chart, it’s transits and the pull of Goddess asteroids. My purpose and vision is so big. I am healing. I am building. It’s community. It’s service. It’s ecology. It’s connection to the Divine. I am gaining the momentum to step into it fully forward on my divine path.
To be continued…