The Responsibility to Heal

I am so grateful for the universal shift towards the divine feminine. Our cosmic mother had been forgotten for such a long time waiting in the shadows to nurture us again. It’d so important for everyone in this life, here and now to heal the mother wound.

I’ve been walking the path of ancestral healing and healing my mother wound for the past year or so. It’s not something done in a day, it’s a life long journey. Sometimes I feel like I’ve made incredibly impactful progress and other times I feel immobilized and like I’m not moving at all. It’s highlighting the cobbled webs, all the things I’ve kept hidden in the dark and addressing directly whether and how I feel safe with other women and my feminine nature.

These days I’m feeling not so safe within my intimate female relationships. This is a part of my healing crisis triggered by Chiron’s transit, and it’s not just shaking up the feminine core wounds. It’s also inviting me to let my inner child in and to address those childhood and parental wounds.

It’s time to nurture the little you in all the ways in which you weren’t nurtured when you were little, so little you (and adult you) can feel both safe and worthy of love.

This came to an appalling realization on Sunday. My father invited me to breakfast to “air things out” as our relationship has been more challenging than usual in the past year and a half. The breakfast resulted in me ordering coffee, and listening, scarred and defensive as he spit venomous anger at me. It ended with me leaving the diner in tears with my coffee still steaming on the table.

Ultimately, I think he’s angry with my mother for “forcing” him to gift me money for the down payment on the purchase of my current home. I also think jealous that I moved my mother closer geographically to me. He also brought up an event that happened almost 5 years ago, I introduced my mother (and step-father) as my mother and “step-father” and my father took this as “adoptive” or as a term of endearment. This being said when my father is fully aware of the strained relationship I have with my mothers husband- who has been in my life for close to 40 years.

There are so many items for me to unpack in this short yet emotionally volatile exchange. M mother had always pressured my father to spend money on me, I think mostly because he left her a single mother and never truly took time with me. I’ve always been at the center of this tug-of-war and I have weird money hang ups around this. I was taught at a very young age money = love. Cleary I am cognitively aware of that falsity, but it is deep conditioning that trickles in.

Ive been trying process this entire exchange. And it’s really fucking hard. It’s completely interwoven with healing my inner child. The child Terra and the adult Terra, both of whom feel so very unloveable.

As a child I always felt my father loved his motorcycles, bike club and women more than he loved me. When I was 29, he literally asked me “who would possibly love you?” after I had been dumped by a man I thought I would marry. He has no recollection of those words leaving his mouth- but they were branded on my broken heart.

It’s all so deeply connected. The Mother Wound, Inner Child, Father Wound. As a child of divorce, I am a cis woman who also carries a father wound. I’ve been cognizant of these for a long time, but only through living the human design experiment am I able to move forward with deeper clarity and understanding in my healing path.

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