The pattern on repeat…

There is a wound cycle in my life that I believed I had moved through. I thought the pattern had been taken off repeat. I thought I was making progress in the healing journey. I mean, I am making progress. We’re all just doing our best! Healing isn’t a straight line, most people think it’s more of a roller coaster. I’ve learned it’s actually a spiral, and when we’re talking about core wounds, patterning and conditioning, it’s a double helix.

My ancestral wound is that of abandonment and its conditioning includes a deep distrust of women and the core wound of the feminine. I am hurt by women, I run from women, I am safer alone. This is not a unique wound. It’s a wound of the patriarchy that I believe most women cary. My first recollection of it coming up was at 6 or 7. It repeated again around 15-16 and then again in college while I spent a semester in Europe. That semester was one of the most magnificent, and painfully lonely times in my life. It broke my heart and taught me independence. It didn’t heal the core wound, it deepened my conditioning: the longing for sisterhood will not outweigh the inherent distrust of women, an unwillingness to be vulnerable brings solitude and safety.

The pattern came up again at 28-29 and 36-37. At 37 a business divorce, my abandonment hurt was so deep, I severed almost all ties related including our common network of friends. I did a considerable amount of self development after that, but not enough. Today, I am again on repeat. The words of a sister cut me so deeply my survival instinct is to sever all ties, with her and our most intimate circle. My heart knows this is wrong, this is yet another version of my karmic spiral trying to heal. My head is giving marching orders to protect, protect protect.

The shadows of my 40th Gene Key, the father archetype is screaming at me – “your greatest strength lies in the nobility of your aloneness!!” My evolution, Gene Key 37, the mother archetype is sobbing, “you have to counterbalance your deep love of being alone! You need to be part of a living, growing community. Your greatest strength is to remind individuals that community serves the individual and the group!”

The path through de-conditioning to love is to feel and heal all the Wounds of Love — betrayal, judgment, abandonment, denial and separation. This is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s learned experience. It goes round and round. I am love and I am in it.

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